Friendship: What to Keep, What to Question and How to Grow

Friendships can be one of the best parts of being a teen—people who make you laugh, hype your wins and sit with you when life is messy. They can also get complicated as everyone changes schools, interests and develops into their own identities. Here’s a straight-up guide to help you navigate this part of your life. 

What to value (green flags)

Reciprocity: You both text first, both listen, both show up. Effort isn’t one-way.

Respectful honesty: They tell you the truth kindly, apologize when they mess up and accept "no" without drama.

Low-maintenance safety: You can be quiet together, be weird together and disagree without fearing the friendship will explode.

Growth mindset: They want good things for you—even if it’s outside their circle—and celebrate your wins.

Boundaries: Plans can change, phones can be put away, and "I’m not comfortable with that" is heard.

Behaviours to watch (yellow/red flags) 

Scorekeeping: "I did this for you, so you owe me." Favours become leverage.

Put-downs disguised as jokes: If you leave hangouts feeling smaller, that’s data.

Isolation: They get mad when you spend time with other friends or activities.

Hot-and-cold loyalty: Super close one week, ghosting or gossiping the next.

Pressure & risk: Pushing you into stuff that breaks your rules (substances, sexting, skipping school), or posting you without consent.

Why friends might act this way (it’s not always about you)

Insecurity: They compare, fear being replaced, or need constant reassurance.

Changing identities: New interests, styles, or friend groups can make people clingy or distant while they figure themselves out.

Stress at home/school: People leak stress as control, sarcasm or withdrawal.

Online distortion: Group chats and stories amplify drama, FOMO, and "everyone saw it" panic.

Understanding the "why" doesn’t excuse harm—but it can guide a calmer response.

How to navigate tricky dynamics

1) Name it early.
Keep it simple and specific:

•    “When jokes are about my body, I feel bad. Can we cut those?”
•    “I need a heads-up before you post me.”
•    “I can’t skip practice; let’s hang after.”

2) Set boundaries (and hold them).
Boundaries aren’t ultimatums; they’re instructions for how to treat you. Try:

•    “I’m logging off at 9—text me tomorrow.”
•    “I’m not comfortable with that party; we can still do pizza night.”

3) Move tough talks off the group chat.
DM or talk IRL. Group threads fuel performative replies and receipts. In person > voice note > call > text > group chat.

4) Repair when you’re the one who slipped.
Real apology formula: Say what you did, why it hurt, and what changes.

•    “I shared your secret. That broke trust. I’ve deleted the messages and won’t do it again.”

5) Know when to take space.
If you’re constantly drained or anxious, test distance: mute, sit with another group at lunch once a week, plan separate plans. Space gives clarity.

6) If it turns harmful, step away.
Chronic put-downs, threats, controlling behaviour or pressure to do unsafe things = not "normal teen drama." Loop in a trusted adult (parent, teacher, counsellor, coach).

Growing from kids to teens: let friendships evolve

Quality over quantity: It’s normal for circles to shrink; depth > headcount.

Different lanes are okay: You can have a study buddy, a teammate, and a "talk-about-anything" friend. No single person has to be everything.

Drifting isn’t failure: Sometimes the most mature move is, "We’re cool, just not as close." You can end with kindness: "I’m focusing on different things now, but I wish you well."

Make room for new people: Join clubs/teams, say yes to invites, and follow up ("Fun talking in art—want to sit together tomorrow?"). Reps build comfort.

Quick self-check: be BRAVE

•    Boundaries: Do I feel safe saying no?
•    Reciprocity: Are we both investing?
•    Accountability: Can we apologise and change?
•    Values: Do we bring out each other’s better choices?
•    Energy: Do I usually leave feeling lighter?

BOTTOM LINE: Good friends make your life bigger, not smaller. Pay attention to how you feel after you’re with someone, speak up early, protect your boundaries, and let friendships change as you do. The people who are meant to grow with you will make room for your growth. And if you need backup navigating a tough situation, talk to someone you trust—going through it doesn’t mean going through it alone. 🤗